This is how we learn. Hint: It’s messy.
by Kyra Freeburg, Counselor & Leadership Coach
Learning new things can be uncomfortable. But leaning into the unknown allows us to grow, live a bigger life, and keeps our brain healthy. It’s also true, however, that learning something new can be inconvenient, humbling, stressful, and a pain in the butt. That’s true for all of us, no matter how old, smart, or experienced we are. We can get better at the learning process . . . but only if we give ourselves grace and time as we bumble. Recognizing that learning is challenging - and that the challenge is completely normal - helps relieve some of the stress and self-recrimination we get from the negative self-talk gremlin in our heads.
When we understand the four stages of learning, we can see our struggle is normal and temporary, helping but the act of learning in perspective.
Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence
We don’t know what we don’t know. We lack knowledge and skill . . . but we’re unaware of it. Think of children watching adults drive - it looks simple, but they have no idea how to do it or what elements are involved - or that it’s not easy the first time behind the wheel.
Stage 2: Conscious and Incompetent
We’re aware that we don’t know what we need to know. It can feel awful. You might remember going through Driver’s Ed as a teenager. The gap in skill and knowledge is huge, and we struggle to figure things out - often feeling stupid, frustrated and impatient along the way. Our self-talk might be negative, and this is the stage in which we’re most likely to quit. Think of being 16 and sitting at a stop sign, trying to judge when to turn onto a busy street. You may look back and forth dozens of times before pulling out. You’re consciously navigating using your mirrors, turn signal and pedals, feeling overwhelmed and stressed with everything your brain needs to process at the same time.
Like learning to drive, every new job, new circumstance, and new situation is uncomfortable because we’re conscious and incompetent - bad at it, but we know we’re bad at it. That’s normal - in fact, it’s what learning looks like. If we can give ourselves grace and remember that the only way out is through time and practice, we can grow beyond incomptence. It’s crucial to be kind to ourselves, just as we would to a child steering a tricycle off the sidewalk or a teenager learning to parallel park. Struggle is uncomfortable, but it builds self-confidence and self-efficacy.
Stage 3: Conscious Competence
We’ve learned enough to do the task, but it takes focus and effort. Remember how cool and competent your 16-year-old self felt changing lanes on the highway? We know we’re starting to get the hang of it, and those skills make us feel accomplished. At this stage, we get better with time and practice as we hone our skills.
Stage 4: Unconscious Competence
You probably don’t feel cool and confident changing lanes these days. That’s because you’ve been driving long enough to arrive in Stage 4: Unconscious Competence. What you learned is now second nature. Maybe you wind up in your driveway after work without really having thought about the route home at all. It’s like being on autopilot. Driving has become second nature, meaning we can multitask (to a degree . . . no texting at the wheel). We conveniently forget this was ever hard, and we take our competence for granted.
The next time you start a new job or exercise routine, travel somewhere new, or find yourself in an unfamiliar situation, be patient with yourself. We can’t know what we don’t know - and, unless we’re willing to make mistakes and learn as we go, we never will. Give yourself grace and time to learn. No matter our age, IQ, or experience level, we all struggle. Normalizing that struggle makes for a healthier, less stressful environment for us everyone.