There’s no need to feel helpless when your friend is grieving due to the death of a loved one or some other significant loss. Here are some practical suggestions for how you can be supportive.
Immediate
- Return phone calls for your friend, keeping detailed information in a notebook.
- In the same notebook, keep a record of cards and gifts (including gifts of food) so your friend can write thank you notes later.
- Put labels on dishes so they can be returned to the appropriate people.
- Clean your friend’s house.
- Run errands, including grocery shopping.
- If friends and relatives are arriving from out of town, offer to meet them at the airport. If necessary, make lodging arrangements. Include a map of the area, and directions to places they might need or want to visit, such as the grocery store, church or funeral home, movie theater, tourist attraction, and restaurants.
- Assume a temporary “nanny” role for your friend’s children – drive them to and from school, walk to the park and play on the swings, and help them maintain rituals that are significant to their family.
Ongoing
- Lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.
- Weed flowerbeds and mow the lawn.
- Stop by your friend’s house periodically to clean the kitchen or scrub the toilets.
- Help your friend get out of the house. Take them to the store to buy thank you cards or just to window shop.
- Maintain your support to your friend’s children. You could set a time each month to do something with the children (for example ice skating or just a walk around the park). Also, offer to watch the children whenever your friend needs some “let down” time.
- Help your friend think of things that need to be accomplished. Help them organize their daily schedule or help them think through the best way to accomplish their goals.
- Offer suggestions for local grief recovery resources.
- Watch for signs of depression.
- If your friend has lost a loved one to death, take the time to recall fond memories of the loved one.
A Word About Words
You may not know just what to say to comfort your friend. It’s okay to tell your friend, “I want to support you, but don’t know quite what to say or do.”
Here are a few suggestions for what not to say:
| “I know how you feel.” – No, you don’t. Even if you suffered the exact same loss, you are not your friend and your reaction is not their reaction. |
“How are your feeling?” – This gives your friend the chance to say how they are feeling. |
| “It’s God’s will.” – Is it? Your friend could get angry at the thought of a God who causes tragedy and pain. |
Nothing. Keep your beliefs to yourself. |
| “Look at the bright side. You have so much to be thankful for,” or “Count your blessings.” – Yes, there are always positive things to be found in someone’s life. Now is not the time to point them out, Pollyanna. Now is the time to comfort. |
“It must be difficult for you.” |
| “Call me if I can help.” – They won’t call. Either they don’t want to bother you, or they don’t know what to ask for. |
“I have a couple hours to spare this afternoon and want to come over to do your laundry.” |
| “Your loved one is in a better place now.” – Your friend may not share similar spiritual beliefs. |
"How to you feel about your loved one?” – Encourage your friend to express their faith and beliefs. |
| “You should…” or “You will …” – You friend won’t benefit from you telling them what to do or talking them into something you think is best. |
“Have you thought about…” or “You might…” – You want to encourage your friend to continue making decisions independently from you. |
| “Let’s not talk about that,” – You can say this verbally or by body language. Changing the subject when your friend starts to grieve doesn’t provide support or healing. |
When your friend starts to cry, offer a hug or tissues, put on the teapot, or settle into your chair and listen intently. |
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