Every parent has experienced the dreaded tantrum at one time or another. It might happen at home at bedtime, or while having dinner with Aunt Minnie, or in the middle of the candy aisle at the supermarket. It can cause you to become angry, embarrassed, or just frustrated. It is always unpleasant.
Tantrums are a normal part of growing up for many children. In almost all cases, children outgrow the behavior.
What Is a Tantrum?
 Little kids might scream, cry, kick, bite, and roll on the ground. Older children may swear, scream, and cry. A tantrum is out-of-control behavior. Someone has defined a tantrum as, "emotional blackmail done in the presence of an audience for the purpose of gaining a desired goal."
Parents often instinctively respond by:
- Giving in — eventually
- Yelling and threatening
- Spanking
Those approaches are usually not effective. But, there are suggestions that might help.
What Triggers a Tantrum?
There is no one reason for a tantrum. What triggers a tantrum in Billy today might have no effect whatsoever on him tomorrow. Certain situations, however, are more likely to result in tantrums.
- Being overly tired reduces a small child's ability to cope.
- Being overly stimulated – even having too much fun – can lead to out-of-control behavior.
- Feeling helpless and frustrated in a situation can lead to meltdown.
- Hunger can be a trigger. Kids need to eat on a regular basis.
- Problems with playmates can escalate into tantrums.
- Wanting something she can't have can push Sally over the edge.
- And…there are countless other possibilities, some of which you have experienced.
Knowing what might trigger a tantrum in Sally or Billy can give you valuable information for avoiding or minimizing a tantrum.
Can Tantrums be Avoided?
Yes, some tantrums can probably be avoided. No, not all tantrums will be avoided.
Having a Plan of Action is useful for most parents. Knowing ahead of time what you will do – and making sure Billy and Sally also know what will happen – usually results in a gradual reduction in the number and intensity of tantrums. Dealing with tantrum situations while your children are two or three or four years old will reduce the need to cope with tantrums when they are 16.
- Stay calm. A calm parent sets a positive example and doesn't add fuel to the fire.
- Have a place in the house where children will go when they have a tantrum, such as a bathroom or bedroom. You might have to take them to that room. An isolated room removes the audience. Tell Billy he can come out of his bedroom when the tantrum is over. If you are concerned that he might hurt himself or damage property, sit with him, but don't interact with him.
- Take time after the tantrum to discuss the behavior with your child. What can he do or say in the future so you can try to solve the problem before it becomes out-of-control? Don't preach, lecture, or moralize. Young children may benefit from cuddling after it's all over.
- If you are away from home, remove the child from the situation. You can first say, "Stop now or we will leave." Don't worry (too much) about all the people in the supermarket staring at you. They have experienced the same thing.
- Giving in to demands made during a tantrum teaches the child that tantrums are an effective way to get what he wants. You probably don't want Billy or Sally to learn that.
Preventive Actions for Parents
Learn what you can do to minimize situations when tantrums are likely to occur. It will differ for each child.
- Remove Billy from situations when you see that he is becoming over-tired or over-stimulated. "Time to stop playing for a few minutes and have a snack."
- Give Sally a few minutes warning before bedtime or naptime. "Choose a book we can read before naptime."
- Give choices when possible. "Would you rather have soup or a sandwich for lunch?"
- Set and enforce realistic limits when there is no choice. "Time to start picking up toys before we put your pajamas on."
- A warm bath after supper can help calm an over-stimulated child.
Dealing with tantrums is not the most enjoyable part of parenting. But with a calm approach, some planning, and a loving attitude, this too shall pass. |
