A divorce can be messy, or it can be civilized. But either way, it’s still a divorce. And when children are involved, outside emotional support is vital. Teens especially need supportive contact with friends, teachers, neighbors, counselors, and family members to help them deal with the trauma of their parents' divorce.
How Teens Feel
It’s normal for teens to experience very strong emotions – shock, confusion, embarrassment, grief, guilt, anger, or even a sense of relief when their parents divorce. Some teens experience several of these emotions at once.
Post-divorce adolescents do better emotionally if they’re heavily involved with school activities. Encourage teens to keep doing the things they love to do – sports, clubs, and lessons – and to keep hanging out with their friends. Researchers who have studied teenagers in a divorce setting report that adolescents need close and trusted friends who genuinely support them to keep their self-esteem bolstered, and keep them from feeling blue when they see their parents upset and distracted.
Also try to help your teen develop new relationships with supportive people. Research confirms that teens of divorce do much better when they have a variety of social networks – networks that include people other than their parents.
Ages 12-15
Preteens and young teens up to the age of 15 need consistent, reassuring support in equal amounts from both parents, even though the children might not want to live with both parents for equal amounts of time. And because they’re at an age when they’re likely to blame one parent for the divorce, they might try to control the situation by demanding to stay with only one parent, or by wanting to switch residences regularly. According to the American Medical Association (AMA), depression, moodiness, poor performance in school, use of alcohol or drugs, sexual activity, and chronic oppositional behavior are signs that children are having serious problems as the result of the divorce.
Ages 15-18
Whether they’ve weathered a divorce or not, teens who are 15 to 18 years old are much more self-focused, and are beginning to do the hard work of establishing their independence from their parents. At this age, they’re also likely to be intolerant of their parents' problems. Some older teens react to divorce in more serious ways: They can become depressed, perform poorly in school or become truant, run away from home, or get into trouble with the law.
What If a Teen Doesn't Accept the Divorce?
No matter how difficult a marriage was or how ugly the divorce became, children of divorce often hold out hope that their parents will reunite. Teenagers especially will mourn the loss of the family unit as they knew it. It’s normal for them to grieve this loss. And in time, they will accept the new situation.
But until that acceptance comes, your teen may become angry, controlling, or withdrawn. These reactions can last for weeks. If they last for many months, they probably signal the child’s need for counseling.
Be alert for potential problems when you or your former spouse starts to date again. Teenagers sometimes react openly with disapproval. They feel that somehow giving approval would translate as disloyalty to the other parent.
What Should Divorced Parents Do?
In an ideal world, divorced parents work together to make the transition into two households smooth and love-filled for their children. But divorce, by its nature, doesn’t usually bring out the best in people. Anger, bitterness, financial woes, child custody fears, and the simple stress of change could send anyone into an emotional tailspin. Counseling has helped many divorced and divorcing adults – and their children – feel more grounded and able to carry on.
Divorce breaks up the whole family – not just the husband and the wife. Children often feel powerless and scared. Parents often feel angry and overwhelmed as they try to rebuild their lives. But divorced parents can still be good parents – great parents even. And children of divorce can really do well in life.
If you are going through a divorce, it’s crucial that you help your children and yourself navigate through the storm of divorce in every way possible – through the grief, sadness, and self-esteem issues that divorce brings up – so that you all come out intact and healthy on the other side of it. |
