What happened to that mysterious feeling that made your marriage partner irresistible to you? At one time, you said, "I do" and looked at your spouse through love-filled eyes, dreaming of a storybook romance. Now, perhaps you're looking across the room and wondering why you did. Maybe the lack of love has turned your marriage into a living nightmare.
Where Did Love Go?
Psychologist Willard Harley, Jr. likens love to a bank account. Most people are more comfortable spending money when there's plenty of money in their account and the promise of future deposits. A "love bank" is no different. When you care for and protect your spouse, it's like making deposits into your love bank. The more deposits you make, the greater freedom your spouse feels to "spend freely," giving you affection, conversation, honesty, admiration, sexual intimacy, and more.
During the dating and "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, the love relationship was reciprocal – you both met some of each other's significant needs. But somewhere along the way, one or both of you began taking more than giving. The love bank balance was overdrawn. Maybe it even began to send out Non-Sufficient Funds notices.
It doesn't take a major negative event to bankrupt love. Maybe your relationship was peppered with arguments, nagging, limited time, boredom, or neglect of each other's needs. Perhaps that annoying habit got to be more than you could stand – all because your bank account was empty.
Amass a Fortune!
You can renew love for each other if you're willing to nurture the relationship. Try some of these ideas:
- Determine to focus on your spouse, and actively listen to and validate his or her feelings.
- Discover each other's most important emotional needs.
- Find out ways you can help each other feel loved.
- Commit quality time to each other. Give each other undivided, uninterrupted attention.
- Avoid negative, love-defeating behaviors such as being demanding, angry, disrespectful, insensitive, annoying, or dishonest.
- Include your spouse in your life – your thoughts, preferences, daily activities, aspirations, and regrets.
- Negotiate fairly, and learn the rules for conflict resolution (see sidebar).
- Consider yourself a team. Consult your spouse regarding day-to-day living, and set future goals together.
- Revive some of your favorite activities.
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Ground Rules for Successful Negotiation/Conflict Resolution
- Put safety first. For example, driving down the freeway at 65 miles per hour is not the time to bring up a topic about which you and your spouse disagree. Of course some situations (for example, abuse) mean you should avoid contact with your spouse.
- Be pleasant with each other.
- Respect each other’s opinions and feelings.
- Don’t pre-qualify your solutions – think of it as a brainstorming session.
- Choose a solution that both of you can enthusiastically support.
- If you reach a stalemate or discussions get out of hand, stop discussing and reschedule.
- At times, a third party is essential to keeping emotions or actions under control. Don’t hesitate to seek out a reputable counselor.
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You didn't get married because your spouse had great communication skills or great conflict resolution skills. You married because of love. Re-open your spouse's love bank account – and make yourselves rich in love! |
