When a couple encounters grief such as the loss of a pregnancy, the death of a parent, or financial collapse, it puts a tremendous strain on their marriage. By understanding how you and your spouse display grief, and making extra effort to communicate, your marriage can become a closer bond to bring you comfort.
Here are some points to remember:
Each person grieves in a different way. When your spouse displays their grief differently from you, the tendency is to misunderstand their needs. Common reactions include:
- Crying
- Anger
- Sadness
- Guilt
- Loss of appetite
- Overeating
- Insomnia
- Need for intimacy
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- Lack of concentration
- Loss of sexual function
- Fatigue
- Isolation
- Stoicism
- Need to talk
- Use of alcohol or drugs
- Overwork
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Grief creates a need for closeness and support, but often brings solitude and separation. Often, it’s because each spouse fails to understand their partner’s way of grieving.
Women tend to grieve verbally and to work their way through grief on an emotional level. To keep grief from overwhelming them, men tend to work at keeping their grief private, processing their grief at an intellectual level. They distract themselves from their pain and try to get on with the business of daily life, while their wives appear paralyzed by the pain.
Recognize that different is not wrong or inferior. Look beyond the radical differences in how your spouse is displaying and working through their grief. When you understand that your spouse is displaying grief in the only way they know how, you can stop blaming your spouse and begin to work on supporting your spouse. They are feeling intense pain, just as you are. They do not intend to hurt you by their reaction to their grief.
Sometimes, one partner in the marriage wants to control how their spouse grieves. If the spouse doesn’t respond as expected, it’s assumed they don’t care about the marriage. If a partner is overshadowed by grief and apparently unable to heal (at least in the time the spouse has allotted), the spouse can become frustrated in their inability to “fix” the problem or fed up with the continual flow of tears and emotion. If, however, lack of emotional display is the problem, the other spouse might conclude their partner is incapable of true love.
The key is to keep communicating how you feel – something a woman needs hear, and how you think – something a man needs to hear. Grieving takes a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy, and the marriage relationship is often neglected. If you are feeling neglected, reach out to your spouse. Let them know that you are grieving your loss, and also missing them. Do not be critical or place blame on your spouse. This will lead to marital discord, and possibly separation and divorce.
Be patient and persistent. Share your thoughts and feelings, and keep reminding yourself that your spouse does care – they just are displaying their grief differently.
Coping with your grief is painful and uncomfortable. What you both need – and most likely want – is an intimate bond with your spouse that will provide support, and a safe place to grief in your own unique way. If you are unable to process your grief together, suggest you and your spouse go to a grief counselor. |
