If everyone behaved exactly the same, what a tedious world it would be! Yet it's those differences that bring on irritating disagreements and even major conflicts.
Fight or Flight Variations
When it comes to dealing with conflict, typically people think of two kinds of responses: fight or flight.
"Fight or flight" responses have also been described using animal stereotypes. The most extreme response in the flight group generally responds to conflict and confrontation like a turtle. At the first sign of trouble, they withdraw. They're savvy at avoiding conflict at all costs. They might seem timid. Their behavior helps them avoid being eaten, but it also keeps them in a self-imposed prison.
The opposite response to conflict is associated with sharks. Their way is the only way, and they don't care who loses as long as it isn't them. Winning is everything and justifies any behavior - including violence or intimidation.
Between these two are Teddy bears who accommodate other people's needs by adjusting their own opinions and desires, and foxes that work to resolve conflict by compromise, each person giving up something to win something. Teddy bears and foxes both "lose" to some degree.
Some conflict resolution experts add a less aggressive skunk-like response. Skunk personalities stamp their feet and then let everything fly. They don't care what the issue is, they must always be right. Some will even engage in argument just for fun. And they certainly don't understand why their behavior would be offensive to anyone. They have few predators, but also few friends.
People rarely operate on an extreme basis all the time. In some situations you might decide something is worth fighting about. At other times, you might shrug off the irritation and go about your day. The majority of people will operate nearer the mid point on a continuum, with always flight on one end and always fight on the other.
A Better Option
Increasing numbers of people are supporting a third option: face the issue in a constructive way. In animal terms, these people are owls. The owl considers all sides. They value the other person, and themselves as well. Conflict is viewed as an opportunity for each person to grow and for the relationship to be bettered.
Conflict, although inevitable, can be resolved positively - even if you are not a natural problem solver owl. Here are a few ideas for win-win conflict resolution:
- Practice anger management. An experienced counselor can help you handle your anger, hostility, and frustration.
- Determine to find a way for both of you to win.
- Try to look at things from the other person's perspective. What are the facts? Think about their circumstances, needs, values, and feelings.
- Analyze your position. What are your circumstances, needs, values, and feelings?
- Think about all the possibilities. There's bound to be more than one. Aim for finding at least a half dozen viable options. Ask impartial people for their opinion and ideas. A counselor or other trained professional might be useful as well.
- Realize that sometimes the other person wins (benefits) when you refuse to allow them to abuse you, even if they don't perceive it as winning.
- Clearly communicate your position. This includes stating your rights and responsibilities without excuses. If you typically run from conflict, this will take courage. You can do it!
- Negotiate. If you are not able to reach a mutually agreeable solution, discuss arbitration.
Some people call this method bold love; others tough love. It can be difficult to face conflict with a desire to achieve the best result for you and for the other person, especially if you have a pattern of fight or flight response. There are many self-help books and trained counselors who can help you develop the skills you want.
Recommended Reading:
Classroom Lesson Plans for Conflict Resolution
http://www.extension.umn.edu/ ruralresponse/resource_ guide/sacm/rc.html
Bold Love by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. |
