You're a stepparent and you need all the information and help you can get. Here are a few more tips and ideas.
Expect Respect
You can choose to love your spouse's children, or not. Likewise, you cannot expect your spouse's children to love you. Remember that your stepchildren did not choose you as a significant person in their life, let alone as a "parent." They got you because their parent loves you. They may never love you. They may not ever like you. What you can expect from them is the same thing they can expect from you: respect and courtesy.
Be Patient
At times it might seem you'll always be lurking in the shadows, playing "second fiddle" to a person you think doesn't nurture the children as she should, or isn't a good role model. Or maybe you just don't like her.
This person who birthed your spouse's children is an integral (though unwanted) permanent fixture in your life. At times, you'll be tempted to indulge in self-pity. You'll see all the sacrifices you're making for "her" children, and you'll feel under-appreciated. You might even occasionally feel like an outsider in your own home.
Rather than be destroyed by focusing on the unfairness of the situation, concentrate on the positives. Are your stepchildren safe? Are their needs being met? What can the "ex" offer them that will benefit them? You don't have to view her as the enemy.
Talk Things Over
Some families hold weekly (or monthly) family meetings. Others discuss issues as they come up. The family dinner table is an excellent time for conversation.
As a family, work out what traditions you'll have. What holidays will you celebrate, and how will you celebrate them?
Discuss new rules, values and ways of doing things. Will your stepchildren be paid for chores? What decisions can they make on their own? Is there a curfew? It's best if their biological parent leads these discussions. Have him confer authority on you in their presence. If the two of you don't share the same opinion about something, table the discussion until a later time. Do not disagree or argue in front of the children.
Make it your policy that your home is a safe place. In every exchange, insist that everyone respond courteously and respectfully. In family discussions, there should be no "stupid" questions or ideas. Explore the "whys" behind your stepchildren's comments and you will probably discover how insightful they are.
Give Space
Kids need physical space as well as emotional space. Physically, they like a place to call their own. If you can't provide them with their own room, at the very least give them their private drawer (or shelf in a closet). Even if you're not the custodial family, your stepchildren will like having their own toothbrush, clothing and toys at your home. It gives them a sense of belonging.
Remember that while you're adjusting to marriage and stepchildren, the children are also adjusting to you. Experts say it takes as much as five years for a family to bond -- possibly longer if you are not the custodial family. Your stepchildren need a sense of autonomy from you, so give them space. But don't neglect them either. Include them in family conversations and, when appropriate, decisions.
They've experienced a lot of losses (break-up of the nuclear family, crushed hopes that their biological parents will get back together, leaving friends behind because of moving to a new house, loss of their family position or role). They need time to sort out their feelings. Continue to care for, discipline, and train your stepchildren. You'll provide them with a different perspective on life and a different personality with which to interact. In the meantime, look for any strengths and positive points you can find, and focus on them. Choose to remember the good times. In time, you'll become as important to them as their biological parent. |
