Your childhood dreams never included this. You're now a stepparent.
You anticipated the day you'd love someone enough to commit your life to him (or her). You'd marry, raise children, and live happily ever after. And, here you are. You've said, "I do." But when you married him...you got his children too. What are you supposed to do now?
Remember Who You Married
You did not marry the children. You did not marry the ex-spouse. You did not marry the in-laws. And you certainly didn't marry some idealistic dream. You married the person you love. And you'd like to keep it that way. Unfortunately, daily demands for time, affection, and money might distract you from the reason why you're a stepparent – your marriage. Keep your priorities clear. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and the children to make time for your spouse. If you're a custodial stepparent, you might have to forget about a weeklong cruise. Instead, opt for a weekly date at home. Put the children to bed an hour earlier on Wednesdays, for example, so you and your spouse can spend an hour of uninterrupted time together; or make breakfast in bed for husband and wife a weekly ritual.
Forget the Ideal
It's not just you and your spouse. You must make compromises of your time and money. (Hopefully, you will share your affections.) Any decisions you make as a couple will affect more than just the two of you. There are children to consider, as well as the "ex."
Want to take a trip to Disneyland? You'll have to check with the other parent first to see if you can rearrange the visitation schedule. Need a new car? Maybe you'll have to postpone the sports car and opt for a van instead. Thinking of buying a new house? Forget the cozy one-bedroom cottage with the white picket fence. You need to purchase a spacious four bedroom with room for a swing set and basketball hoop. If you and your spouse are thinking about getting pregnant, you'll have to ask: How will this child affect the stepchildren? Can we afford another child?
Learn to Share
Even though it might bother you, the reality is you are not your stepchildren's biological parent. Don't insist on being called Mom (or Dad). They may not respond to you in that manner. In fact, they may resent you, or be afraid to show affection toward you for fear they'll betray their biological mother or father. Expect your stepchildren to vacillate between wanting to get along and acting like they can't stand you. Tell your stepchildren that you know they love their other parent, that you encourage them to have a close relationship with her, and that you realize they want to spend time with her. Any attempt to usurp that parent will be deadly to any kind of close relationship you might have with your stepchildren. Never speak ill of their parents.
If your stepchildren's biological parent is deceased, or has abandoned the children, she'll still be part of their lives (and also yours). Don't compete with your stepchildren's memories, or act as if you are their biological parent.
"The other parent" will always be there – at school programs, and holiday times, to be sure, and on a daily basis, in your own home as well. Your stepchildren will have difficulty adjusting to different expectations and rules that naturally exist between households. They'll tell you about their biological mother's new shoes (or when their biological father took them out for ice cream). They'll make comparisons – and you might come out the loser. Even if they do like you, they'll probably tell you how their biological mother makes tuna casserole, or how their biological father washes the car. Encourage them to tell you all about it. It's opening up communication with your stepchildren, helping them feel safe with you, and allowing them to clarify their relationship with you.
Give up Control
Come to terms with the fact that you have few "rights" when it comes to your stepchildren. Discipline and parenting functions rightfully belong to the biological parents. You may, however, find yourself taking on a large share of parenting responsibilities. Consider asking your spouse to give you limited or general power of attorney. Forms are available on the web or through a legal office. These forms are commonly used to give spouses the legal right to request school records or seek medical care for a stepchild. Be sure to have the document notarized. Another legal option is for your spouse to add a clause to his divorce decree stating what legal rights a stepparent has in regard to any children from that dissolved marriage (transporting, daily care, discipline, direct communication, etc.).
>> Go to more tips in Part 2 >> |
