Do you feel misunderstood when you talk to your loved one? Does your child resist your attempts to impress upon them the importance of politeness? Does your spouse appear disinterested when you discuss an emotional need?
When your loved one doesn't behave or respond as you would like, you might become frustrated. Before you give up on your loved one as being non-compliant, difficult, heartless, or just plain odd, take some time to discover how they view life and what motivates them.
Consider Personality
Tests abound on varied personality theories. In the fourth century BC, Hippocrates identified four major personality types: Choleric, Sanguine, Phlegmatic, and Melancholy. Others have followed, labeling the four main personality types in terms more understandable to their generation's vocabulary. Still, Hippocrates' terms continue. A quick description follows:
Cholerics are motivated people who can quickly assess a situation, determine what needs to be done and lead others to accomplish it. Unfortunately, in their mind, their way is the only right way. And if you're standing in their way, you just might get knocked down.
Sanguine people are messy but energetic – and are usually the life of a party. You're their best friend when you're around, but they'll forget about you just as fast because they live in the present. Their enthusiasm is contagious. They energetically start a project, but generally quit before the task gets finished.
Phlegmatics are laid-back, detail-oriented people, generally introverted but deep thinking. They can be precise to a fault (nit-picky perfectionists) and somewhat boring.
Melancholy people experience life deeply and are introspective. They are sensitive souls attuned to minutia. Because they live to the extreme, some would call them moody.
Labels can be useful in helping you understand your loved one better, but it's important to remember that a person is usually a blend of personality types, not just one. Still, knowing your loved one's dominate tendencies (as well as your own) can help you figure out an effective way to inter-relate and communicate more clearly.
Notice Variations
Finding out what your loved one's basic personality is isn't the end of the story. Within personality types there are variations (and variations within those variations). Not only do different things motivate each person, but even a word or gesture you use could have a different meaning to your loved one.
Mental Process: Call it Left Brained-Right Brained or Analytic-Global. The fact is, some people process information in an orderly, logical manner; others pile it in a heap and look at the big picture. Your spouse might need to create 10 different lists before leaving on vacation - starting months before your trip. But you just like to throw the stuff in a suitcase an hour before you leave.
Learning Style: Child educators are aware that people learn differently. Many learn by seeing, some by hearing, and very few by doing. Typically, they're termed Visual learners, Auditory learners, and Kinesthetic learners. You can give detailed written instructions - complete with pictures - but your child may need you to physically show him how to sort the laundry.
Personal "Smarts": Author and educator Howard Gardner theorizes that people can be "smart" in different areas: word smart, number smart, picture smart, body smart, music smart, people smart, or self smart. Maybe your spouse needs to doodle while listening (picture smart), whereas you want eye contact when you're talking (people smart).
Individual Style: Some people thrive on routine; others crave change. Your child may be motivated by supervision, even though you like to work alone. Your spouse may relax best by reading a novel, while you need to go out for a jog.
Environmental Factors: Some people concentrate better with music; others need silence. People tolerate varying levels of temperature or light. Even the time of day has an effect on the success of your communication attempts. If your child is most alert at 7 p.m., don't try to discuss complex issues at 9 a.m.
Study Your Loved One
Offering your toddler a sticker might work for potty training...or not. Presenting your teen with logical reasons for doing well in school might lead to diligent studying, but probably some other incentive would work better. But what?
To know for sure, you must take time to watch your loved one. Pay attention to when your loved one is most alert and most cheerful. Notice how long they engage in a high-concentration or sedentary activity before taking a break. Keep track of how frequently they need to eat to prevent mood swings. See what they do for enjoyment. Listen to how they describe things, and watch what they do when they talk to you.
You can be better understood when you look at life from your loved one's perspective, and communicate to them in a way they find natural. It will take a little more effort on your part...but isn't being understood worth it?
Suggested Reading:
- Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey
- Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences, by Howard Gardner
- The Way They Learn, by Cynthia Tobias
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