When a loved one dies, your child will likely react differently than you do. And, just as adults express and process grief in individual ways, your children will have their own way of displaying grief and their own timing for recovery.
Three Fs of Communication
Communication is the best way to help your children come to terms with their grief and resolve it. Talk with your children about:
Facts – Encourage them to remember their loved one’s life and tell the story of their loved one’s death. They can do this through:
- Drawing or other creative art
- Journaling – writing down feelings, memories, and thoughts
- Playing with toys or puppets
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- Role-playing or dramatic reenactment
- Discussing
- Music
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Feelings – Your child has a lot of feelings inside. Children can experience them intensely, then appear “over them” only to have them reappear at unexpected times. They could feel:
- Fear
- Anger
- Responsibility for the death
- Denial
- Sadness
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- Confusion
- Worry
- Shame or embarrassment
- Abandonment
- Powerlessness
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Future – Help your children understand what they can do about their situation, and what is beyond their control. With your assistance, they can look to the future and develop reasons for living:
- Vacation plans
- Attending pro-sports game or event
- Joining a club or team
- Friends who care about them
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- Hobby
- A lessening of pain
- Memories that they were loved
- What they want to be when they grow up
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Other Ways You Can Help
Help your children feel safe. Give them lots of hugs. Help them resume rituals and routines to help them be reassured that their life has order. Provide security items and physical symbols that help them remember their loved one.
Make sure your children get enough sleep. Dealing with grief is physically exhausting.
Educate yourself on ways children express grief. Some children are very quiet, other talk a lot; some cry, others turn inward. Some are clingy; others become hard workers and over achievers. Some children revert to behavior appropriate for a younger child; others act mature beyond their years. Some get in fights and are uncooperative; others withdraw and lose interest in friends and activities. Some have nightmares; others talk of their dead loved one as if still alive; still others become preoccupied with death. Reassure your child that the death was not their fault or responsibility, and remind them of how loved they are. Seek out professional help for a child whose behavior becomes a concern.
Encourage your children to ask questions. That’s how they learn. Even when your children ask difficult questions, answer them honestly using age-appropriate words. Avoid vague answers, and unclear terms such as “passed away.” The child doesn’t know that that means, and might expect the dead loved one to come back after a trip somewhere.
Let your children make choices. Do your child want to keep pictures of their loved on in their room? Would they like one of their loved one’s possessions as a reminder of them? Do they want to draw a picture or write a letter to their dead loved one that would be included in the casket? Do they have suggestions for how to handle future celebrations?
Birthdays, Holidays, Other Times
Even though you might wish a holiday or birthday could pass by uncelebrated, that’s not the best idea for your children. They need to feel the security of routine. They need to be reassured that even though they’ve suffered a significant loss, their own life will still go on.
As soon as you realize the holiday or other special day is approaching, talk with your children about how they want to spend the day. Share your own feelings of loss, as well as your desire to continue celebrating special times and building happy memories together.
What About the Funeral?
Age shouldn’t be a consideration. Many experts believe a three-year-old is old enough to attend a funeral or memorial service, should there be one. A funeral or memorial service is an important closure ritual. But children do need preparation beforehand. They need to know:
- Who will be there
- Where it will be held
- What’s going to happen
- Why the funeral or memorial service is happening
Give your child a choice, if possible, in attending the funeral. Should they decide to attend, answer any questions about what will happen during and immediately following the funeral, and tell them about any expectations (“You will be sitting with Uncle Joe.”). If your child prefers to not attend, help him feel okay about that choice.
If there is going to be a viewing, give your child the option of participating or not. Children need to be able to say “good-bye,” just as adults do. If you are not sure you can adequately cope with your own or your child’s emotions, ask a trusted adult or counselor to be there to help your child deal with the intense emotions that might surface. If your child changes their mind about viewing the body, that’s okay. Don’t push them. Likewise, if your child wants to touch or kiss their loved one, that’s okay too.
Your children might want to discuss the loved one’s death, the funeral, memories, and emotions for several days following the funeral. Be there to support them as they explore their questions and resolve their grief.
Is There an End?
You and your children will always know your loved one is dead. Your lives are permanently altered.
It will take a while for your child to process all of their feelings. Don’t try to rush them through their recovery or force them to respond in a particular way. Sometimes, you and your children will benefit from the expertise of a counselor.
Learning to cope with loss and death is an important skill for your child. The guidance you offer them now will help them make sense of life and death; to honor memories and celebrate life. |
