You can appreciate when someone lends you a helping hand. Most of us like to think of ourselves as someone who would help others too.
Helping others is not always as easy as it seems. That's because very few problems and concerns have easy solutions. Most problems are "fuzzy" – without clear-cut parameters or specific alternatives. What might be the best solution today might not be the best one tomorrow. Or what seems best to you might sound terrible to someone else. On top of that, your friend might resent your offer to help, regardless of your good intentions.
What do people normally do to resolve their own problems or to help others solve theirs?
- Avoid — If you don't acknowledge a concern, it just might go away (but probably not).
- Deny — Tell others and ourselves that there is not a problem even though we know there is.
- Give in — OK, I'll do it your way. But I'll more than likely be resentful.
- Anger and blame — It's all your fault, and getting even might be a high priority. Anger can sometimes lead to violence.
- Compromise — You give a little, and I'll give a little. This approach sometimes works, but often causes conflict because nobody is happy with the solution. There are other, often more successful, ways to be helpful and find solutions and resolutions.
Useful Skills and Approaches
You know from experience that some kinds of help are not appreciated. For example:
- Here, let me do that. Can't you do anything right?
- Trust me, I know better than you.
- Of course you need help. Don't tell me you don't!
- I know the best solution for you. Just do as I say.
The skills needed to help others are much the same as those needed to help yourself.
- Listen carefully to all the information, and learn to differentiate between facts and assumptions.
- State all concerns in terms of how it affects you. Avoid being blameful of others. For example, "It's hard for me to concentrate on my work when the music is turned up" is a more productive statement than "Turn down that horrible noise or else!"
- Clarify the problem/concern by asking specific questions. What, when, how, and where are helpful words to use.
- Look for alternatives. Brainstorm by yourself or with others. Write down as many ideas for resolution that you can think of. Be open and creative.
- Evaluate your possible solutions. Could a particular idea work? Would you actually try it?
- Put solutions into action form. Do it today. If it doesn't work out, start over. It might take several attempts to find a solution that works for you.
- Look for win-win solutions, where everybody involved feels like the decision will work for them. Relationships are strengthened when everybody feels good about the results.
- Sometimes you are the most helpful by just being there and not taking any action whatever.
And Finally, the Bottom Line
The ingredients for being a good helper are rather universal. Caring, listening, showing respect, being honest, taking action, and allowing enough time for solutions to work are important. If the concern is resolved, you can breathe easy. If the process and solution don't seem to work, you can start over and try a different route. Most problems have many possible solutions. What works best depends on you and the other people involved. There are few situations where there is only one, absolute solution. |
