Are you codependent, enabling, or just being flexible in your relationship?
Flexibility
A flexible person feels good about himself. You’re flexible if you’re honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses, and are able to actively listen to others – even when they disagree with you. You can compromise when appropriate and change if necessary. You hold others accountable for their actions.
Enabling
When you cover up for someone else, it’s called enabling. You enable people to continue harmful or hurtful behavior by allowing them to avoid the negative results of their actions. Examples of this would be:
- Doing more than your fair share of the work because your coworker is “going through a rough time” (when you know he’s using drugs or alcohol) and can’t seem to get his work done on time anymore.
- If your child steals from you so he can buy drugs, you would be enabling his drug use if you don't report his illegal behavior to the authorities or take parental action to stop the behavior.
Enablers generally don’t recognize themselves as enablers. They think they’re doing someone a favor, or doing the best thing for the other person. If this is you, it’s time for a reality check. You are doing the user or abuser a disservice by helping him put off dealing with his problem. The best way to help is to allow the user to face the consequences of his behavior. Don’t ignore the behavior or cover up for him.
Codependence
A codependent person has an extreme, unhealthy focus on relationships. If you are codependent, you always treat another person’s needs, wants, and behaviors as more important than your own because you want to please the other person. Codependency has also been defined as learned helplessness because codependent behavior often develops in a dysfunctional family setting by family members who try to make things appear “normal” when they aren’t.
Research shows codependency can be developed when there’s a history of chronic family stress, such as when a parent is abusive, addicted, mentally ill, or has a long-term physical illness. When there is emotional pain, there is a tendency to also be addicted to something – for example, food, drugs, or sex. Unless that person receives professional help, he or she will likely pass on the cycle of dysfunction to the next generation.
Children from single or blended families have a harder time reaching relational intimacy as adults. Daughters of alcoholics (whether the alcoholic is the mother or father) are more than twice as likely to marry an alcoholic. Children exposed to domestic violence have the strongest risk factor for performing violent acts when they become adults.
Codependent people hide from the truth, feel worthless or inherently flawed, and are sad or alienated. Other signs of codependence include:
Low self-worth
- Feeling different from others
- Viewing self as unlovable
- Being ultra-sensitive to criticism
- Being self-critical
- Feeling empty or alone
- Considering yourself worse (or better) than others
- Being uncomfortable with compliments
- Having difficulty accepting gifts
Controlling behaviors
- Having difficulty expressing your feelings
- Only telling people what’s “safe” for them to hear
- Judging people and issues in “all good" or "all bad” terms
- Having difficulty accepting or admitting your mistakes
- Having difficulty asking for help
- Having difficulty balancing time demands of work and recreation
- Liking to “numb out” with TV, sleep, food, or other avoidance behaviors
Pleasing behaviors
- Compromising values/integrity to please others
- Feeling guilty when you say “no”
- Doing things you don’t want to do to please others (tasks, sex, even illegal acts)
- Pretending everything’s okay
- Feeling selfish if you do things to please yourself
- Putting needs/wants of others before your own
- Hiding your feelings
It’s possible that you read through the above lists and didn’t recognize yourself. People with enabling and codependency issues are often in denial, or won’t admit there’s a problem. Look at yourself and the people you care about again. Codependency issues often surface in relationships. Here are some relationship signs that could mean you or someone you care about needs intervention.
- You believe in “love at first sight”
- You substitute sex for love
- You feel incomplete without being in a relationship
- Your emotional responses are out of proportion to the situation
- You believe problems will be solved if your partner changes
- You find it difficult to be alone unless you’re busy
- You have difficulty getting close to or trusting others
- You feel responsible for the feelings and reactions of others
- You believe others are responsible for the way you feel
- You maintain a strong commitment to your partner, despite the stress and problems
- You’ve remained in an unrewarding or hurtful relationship
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