"No bruises equals no abuse, right?" Wrong.
Abuse takes many forms. Abusers might use fear and intimidation, or use more subtle tactics to make you feel like you're losing your mind. Regardless of the form abuse takes, it boils down to power and control. If your partner believes he or she has the right to control you, your partner is an abuser.
Who, Me?
If your relationship lacks joy; if you've become a different person since you've known your partner; if you've lost your self-esteem, feel powerless, and often alone; it's possible that you're a victim of abuse.
Yet, you might not see yourself as being abused.
For some victims, it's a matter of denial. Others think it's their fault – that they could prevent the abuse if they could just cook right, live right, or think right. Some victims think the behavior is normal. Some abusive behaviors are promoted by religions or cultures; others are handed down from generation to generation.
What is Abuse?
The tendency is to think of abuse only in terms of physical or sexual abuse. But abuse is any behavior used to exert power over another person. By the time physical abuse occurs, a person has probably been abused for a long time in various ways.
Don't wait for the bruises. Read these descriptions of abusive behavior. If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, get help now.
Financial control – Your financial freedom is taken from you. Sometimes abusive partners control the purse strings or put their wants before the family's needs so you and your children go hungry or don't have adequate clothing. Other times the abuser treats you as a child – as if you are incapable of being financially responsible. The tactic is designed to keep you dependent.
Isolation – Your social freedom and sense of autonomy are taken from you. By isolating you from a support system, the abuser is more successful in controlling you. Once successful in separating you from your friends and family, the abuse usually becomes more violent and more frequent.
Destruction of property or pets – You are stripped of things that are meaningful to you. Oftentimes an abusive partner will damage items that have emotional significance to you, such as family photographs. Sometimes an abuser will injure or kill a pet – for example, kick or needlessly take your pet to the veterinarian and have the animal put to sleep.
Psychological manipulation (coercion) – If you accept responsibility for another person's actions, you become that person's emotional prisoner and might end up doing what you don't want to do. Popular methods of coercion are:
- Guilt – "You let Sue burn her finger on a hot pot. Since you've proven yourself unable to parent, I'll make all the child-rearing choices."
- Fear – "I'll kill myself if you don't…"
- Distraction – "If you're bothered by this, then you have a problem. What happened in your past?"
- Distortion – "All I want, honey, is what's best. Don't you trust me?"
- Blame – "If you would just … then I wouldn't have to…"
Emotional abuse – Your peace of mind and mental well-being are taken from you. You feel intimidated, confused, and possibly even crazy. Your partner makes trivial demands that are severely enforced. There can be a "make up" time, followed by more abuse. You're trapped on an emotional roller coaster of your abuser's choosing.
Stalking – Your mobility is violated. "No matter where you go," a stalker might say, "I'll know where you are." The abuser follows you, phones you, contacts you via mail, shows up at your home or work, and otherwise harasses you. He or she is obsessed with controlling your actions and wants to control your feelings too.
Verbal abuse – Your dignity and self-worth are taken from you. This is done in a number of ways, such as by telling you you're stupid, ugly, fat, childish, undesirable, or a bad parent. You are torn down in front of the children and other loved ones. Common methods of verbal abuse include:
- Alienation – Conversation and intimacy are withheld.
- Ridicule – Jokes are made at your expense.
- Trivializing – Your accomplishments, efforts, thoughts, and feelings are discredited or minimized.
- Criticism – What you say and do are viewed with a critical eye, and are judged unworthy.
- Monopolizing – The topic of discussion is controlled.
Sexual abuse – Your choice is taken from you. You are forced either physically or emotionally to participate in sexual acts against your wishes.
Physical abuse – Your physical safety is taken from you. Your partner hits, pinches, or slaps you. He or she might trip or shove you, and possibly pretend it was a joke. Physical abuse often starts small (such as unwanted touching), but it can escalate to bruising, bone-breaking, and even murder.
Yes, You...
Often victims feel responsible for the abuse and feel trapped in the relationship. If you are being abused, it is not your fault. And you will not help the situation, your abuser, yourself, or your children by staying in the relationship.
Abuse escalates and can become life threatening. Don't threaten or warn your partner of your intensions. Contact a trusted friend, call a domestic abuse hotline, or phone your local police. Make your plans – and get out.
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