Who's the boss in your family? Think before you answer that question. It might not be you or your spouse. It could be one of your children.
Struggles are Normal
Power struggles between parents and their children are common – especially in the toddler and teen years. Children continually explore the outer edges of your expectations. The degree to which this is done depends on various factors, including the personality of you and your child, your parenting style, and the degree of external interference.
You want to help your children grow and function appropriately in society, but you don't want to stifle their individuality or sense of self worth. Domineering, over-controlling parents damage their children. But you also hinder your children's healthy development by allowing them to be the decision makers (the boss) in the family.
Children need the security of knowing you're in charge. The daily battles for control can stress out your children, who actually fare better when parents set clearly defined, reasonable expectations and consistently enforce them.
A Few Clues
You've probably abdicated your parental position if…
- Your child has equal say in making major decisions.
- Your child has the option of disregarding your direction.
- You allow your child to talk back and otherwise treat you disrespectfully.
- You ask your child's permission before enforcing a family rule.
- You give in to your child's whining.
- You share your personal troubles with your child.
- You protect your child from the natural consequences of their actions.
- You bribe your children to gain their cooperation.
- You bicker with your children.
What to Do
Point by point, here's what you can do to help find the middle ground, so you're not too restrictive/controlling nor passive/permissive:
- It's great to ask for your child's input. But keep in mind that it is you who has the experience and maturity necessary for making the best decision. A household is not an egalitarian democracy. You, as the parent, have the right to make and enforce appropriate boundaries and make major decisions. Your child might want to go to Hawaii or have a backyard pool, but who's going to pay for it?
- Decide what your family values are, use them to establish rules, and then strictly enforce them. You might even want to draw up family "house rules" and post them in a visible, often-frequented place such as the kitchen. Make sure there are a limited number of rules and that they are realistic. For example, requiring a three-year-old to take dish duty one night a week is unreasonable. Your 16-year-old might be able to handle not only washing dinner dishes, but also planning and preparing the meal. As an example, your rules could read:
- No hitting or other violent physical behavior.
- No name-calling or other emotionally damaging behavior.
- Assigned chores must be completed on time.
- No TV until homework is done.
- Inform your children that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior toward you. Give them examples of how you expect them to talk to you and approach you when they disagree with you. Also communicate the consequences for disrespect.
- Family rules are non-negotiable. No discussion, no debate. Failure to complete assigned chores results in a loss of privilege such as going to a friend's house. Hitting a sibling results in the child's removal from the situation and from positive interaction for a predetermined period of time. Make sure the punishment fits the offence. Infraction of reasonable rules is not an excuse for extreme behavior. No matter what, you never have the right to abuse your children.
- It might annoy you when your children whine to get what they want, but never give in to whining. It just reinforces the behavior. Temper tantrums fall under the same rule: Never give in. Period.
- Don't try to be your children's buddy. They need you to parent them. This doesn't mean to smother them or domineer them. It means to guide them. Within the parental role, you can have a very close, mutually satisfying relationship.
- One of the best things you can to help your children become responsible adults is to let them experience the consequences for their actions. If they skip breakfast, they go without food until lunch. If they don't get their dirty laundry put in the appropriate place and they have nothing clean to wear, they wear dirty clothes for the day. Learning that their actions affect their future when they are young might make your children think twice before doing something stupid during their teen and young adult years.
- Your children must be expected to observe or comply with reasonable rules or requests without bribery. Give your children a reasonable amount of time to comply with your request. During this time, don't harass, cajole, nag, or otherwise interfere. When they act in accordance with your request, give a positive comment. If they don't, resist the urge to yell or lecture. Simply give your child what you promised them – the stated consequence – swiftly and calmly.
- Keep dramatic behavior where it belongs – on daytime television. Your job as "parent" is to keep calm. Your children feel a sense of control over you when you "lose it" (allow them to "get under your skin"). Don't be offended by their behavior. They'd be doing the same thing to any other person if they were your children's parent. Expect continued tests of your authority throughout your children's development.
When conflict is intense or prolonged, your family could benefit from professional intervention. A professional can help you develop healthy parenting skills, and also identify underlying causes for your child's irritability or defiance, such as depression.
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