Divorce is common in the United States, but "good" divorces are not easy. When children are involved, efforts to have a cordial divorce can help children avoid a host of serious risks that could affect them for the rest of their lives.
"It takes a tremendous amount of strength and psychological energy to have what we'd call a 'good' divorce," said Robert Billingham, associate professor in Indiana University-Bloomington's Department of Applied Health Science, who conducts research on the long-term effects of divorce on children.
"We have this social folklore about divorce and how people react to each other following divorce, and all too often it's true," Dr. Billingham said. Folklore aside, the country is in the midst of a trend of more cordial divorces, he said. Research has shown that children benefit immensely from good relationships with both parents. Courts are beginning to realize they must protect the children's relationships with their parents if they want to protect the children, he said.
State legislators and policymakers also need to make these important decisions. For example, some states now require mediation. Others say parents must appear in court with "co-parenting" plans. Many courts have eliminated the terms custodial parent and non-custodial parent altogether.
Dr. Billingham makes the following suggestions to help minimize the effects of divorce on children:
- Good communication between parents is crucial, even if they do not always agree. This helps cut down on children's pitting one parent against the other to get what they want.
- Make sure children have as much contact as possible with both parents.
- Parents should not interfere with their children's contacting the ex-spouse or vice versa.
- Children are better able to love parents and stepparents if they are not pressured to choose one over the other. Making the children choose usually backfires.
- Parents need to begin thinking, "The marriage is over, but this other person and I must continue to co-parent our children."
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